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Within shadows I hide, I fear the world for the way I assume they will view me. I have been out of work for two months despite my efforts to become the man that contributes to the city he lives in. My depression grows each day I sit at home and think, I understand the way I view myself in only half the truth, my depression causes me to hear the negatives as strong words and postives as the whispers that hide behind them. however because thats my perception life becomes harder to except, self harm has returned back to the consistency it was when I started 13years ago which does scare me, it no longer hurts it actually is the only thing inn my life right now that gives strenght, dare I say it feels good. My family still hide behind the landscape, it will take one call to see them but I fear their perception of our past, my little step brother still wants to hurt me, he went as far as saying that he wished I had died rather then our mother, he has hes reasons and I starting to think that I should return to the other side of melbourne to give him a chance to hurt me just so i can move on from his words or so I can hurt him for his words. mum remains as a grave that i cant find, her details are with my family and I fear their judgement even if it means that I can see her resting place, I want to cry on her grave. My father remains as a shadow of danger that I want to destroy, I am not the violent person but fear that if I ran into him I would hurt him for what he did to me older sister, my twin sister and finally in third place, for what he did to me. I want to punish him for ever saying that he loved his kids, for he did everything but love his kids and now that were not there he has started a new family and I fear that he will restart his version of love. I dont think I can stop him without putting him in hospital and I dont know if I have the right to do that or the right to do nothing with the information and assumptions I have.
thanks for reading, venting helps me deal with depression and the judgement I get for being gay, a white aborginal and my lack of evolution.
thanks for reading, venting helps me deal with depression and the judgement I get for being gay, a white aborginal and my lack of evolution.
Until We Share
Sit here holding a sore hand, my so called friend Andy attacked me several months ago when I confronted him about him beating his much younger boy friend. he reacted with anger and I ended going through a window. days in hospital shaking with such fear; thought I would lose two fingers plus was surrounded by strangers touching me. hid my tears till no one was looking.
In more happier news I have spoken with some family on facebook, first time in years and believe I could once again have a family or at least friends that wont attack me. Still living in the boarding house and writing poetry which I hope to share on deviantart. usual topics suc
Until We Speak
The shadow on my wall sits and accepts its life and my choices, but i question.
2012 has come with ample warning yet the tears I hide behind my painted smiles waits to be released. My birthday has passed and thus the memory of my mother and sisters grave disappearing beneath the build up of time. I miss them and they way that made me feel; complete. I accept their deaths but struggle with the gift I have known as life. I live in a boarding house in a area known for drugs and crime, the people I live with are respectful mostly, to my face but I know that when I'm not there they judge what they resist to understand; my sexuality and my depress
Until We Speak
to those on my lise that i do speak with, to those that read and enjoy my work, i thank u for the strengh u remind me of, the strength that i have hiding inside of my frail skin. since christmas i havent been to tafe, im no longer welcomed there so must find another way to share my poetry and thoughts, im coping well just been little sad with tafe no loner in my routine but no i will find a way to better my life.
have written another fifty poems since chrstmas and cant wait to share them with my friends on here, like usual they are abstract, or confronting or well, dealing with issues most refuse to talk about.
until then i have on question
Devious Journal Entry
Novemeber the first was the anniversary of my mother passing, the seventh reminder that I cant hug her when I need, that I cant seek her advice when I need it or smile the way only a mother can make you smile. I accept her death but I hate that I feel alone and isolated at home, I make my self something to eat and know she wont be at the table to share a meal, I wash my clothes for I know if I leave them she isn't there to help me out.
As a result I have had trouble sleeping, in the last 15days there have been 6nights when I haven't slept, instead have sat up late staring at a wall that doesn't move and a knife that tries to hide from me. M
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Comments17
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don't know what to say, seems like everybody have said all the right things.
But I am truly sorry, no one should experience something like that, and I hope that you can find ways to get some happines into your life.
But I am truly sorry, no one should experience something like that, and I hope that you can find ways to get some happines into your life.